Invincibility Is A Lie.

I miss ex-life.
Lately I've been wondering what it would be like if I stayed with Dad.
I guess I'll never know.

It's better to live and not regret, though, since if you did, you wouldn't be moving forward at all.

Trying to move on.
Still.

Wilted.

Futureme.org
Send letters to the future.
Sick.
Me -> You Know Who.

August 23, 2010

Hey you :)

I know this is pretty weird, but I'm bored so endure it.

It's 8:30 on a lonely Wednesday night.

I guess when you get this letter, it'll be my first day of school.

I miss you terribly, but it's not anything new.

Most days are like this anymore, but I have to suck it up and move on like everybody else has to.

I'm not the only one going through a severe heartache.

My situation isn't that bad, really.

I mean, it's not like we had a lot of anything.

I hope you're doing well; hopefully I am by now, too.

Maybe you've found the cure to your loneliness.

I know you won't end up alone in the end, because if we all try, we'll all end up exactly where we want to be.

It just involves being who you want, where you want, doing what you want to do.
How could you not get what you wanted that way?

Btw, you're comment about no guy thinking I was hot yesterday was so not OK!

If you don't want to be alone, that is definately not the way to treat a girl.

Especially since I complimented you, saying that other girls thought you were hot and you were a nerd (which, if you remember, is my way of saying super cute).

Most people don't realize that you, deep down, are really not all that smooth. (I'm not being a bitch, so stop thinking that).

You don't take showers during the summer because you're so lazy and too busy playing video games.

I mean, really? Most girls can't find that attractive.

Well, except for me, but that's because I'm mentally retarded.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say.

That I love you with all of my heart and that I miss you?

Or that I wish things ended differently?

Of course, but I think I've made that clear enough as it is.

I hope this is the last hugely long letter that you get from me, and as it is, I'm just doing it to see if it really works.

Hopefully you haven't gotten one since yesterday (Tuesday, 5/25/10).

I always feel like I'm bothering you with them, but it really is my best way of closure.

I feel secure when you know how I feel and where I stand.

When I tell you not to talk to me so I can finally move on, you usually do stop.

For about two weeks, then you start back up again.

That confuses me.

I don't understand whether or not you want to talk to me or you're just bored.

And if you want to talk to me, does that mean you miss me like I miss you?

I doubt it, but the hope is unbelieveable.

My stomach still fills with knots whenever you talk to me.

I feel like throwing up when I imagine you with somebody else.

My head whirls when you ignore me, or when you don't respond.

I feel like a lost little girl, and I can't help but say that I am.

The only reason you gave me for splitting was the distance and that I was freakishly clingly (by the way, I don't mean to be, I just talk a lot and I feel like I really care about you).

-> The distance never bothered me so much, seeing as anything could happen, and I was in a lot of love, so I felt like it would last forever and things would mend themselves. It wasn't that far anyways, so I got over it.

-> Again, the clingy I let go because I'm not crazy, I'm just... scared. Really scared.

"I always feel like I have to explain my feelings and that I miss you. I don't. You know them and have responded and what's needed to be said has been. I still feel like things are unfinished, even though they totally are. I never lose hope and that's what fucking sucks. I feel like my love is real, but it's not. I based everything we had on what I thought happened and not what really did, so I think there's always a sweeter opinion you have of me that you're not telling me, which isn't true. This is why I feel lonely and can't stop talking to you. I give you all of the control because I want a response that I'll never get. I'm sorry... I'm typical and enflate your, already way too big, ego." 11:39 pm, 5/25/10

"I'm scared to let go because I feel like I'll never find anyone more important to me. I'm so scared of being lonely like this forever. 60% of you I love and 40% of you I hate, but can stand. I don't like perfect and that's why you are to me." 12:17 am, 5/26/10

They pretty much sum things up.

I don't know what to do with you anymore.

I don't feel like we can be friends because I'm constantly reminded of what we had and I'm constantly reminded that I want it back.

You don't seem to stop talking to me for more than a span of 2 weeks.

Then again, when you do it's just a "Hey you" or something of that nature.

You usually don't carry on a conversation for much longer.

Anyways, maybe when you get this you'll hit me up.

Love you always,

Alex.

P.S. I hope school is well for you; I can't believe you graduated. You're such an old man.

P.P.S. & I forgot to say that Paul McGill looks a lot like you.

Well, the only time he really does is in the movie 'Fame'.

Mourning.

Starstruck - Lady GaGa

Let Me Love You Down - INOJ

Who Am I To Say - Hope

Today! Today is it!
My birthday was nice.

Not overly great, not overly bad.

It was OK.

I had Daiquiri Ice ice cream.
(Two 'ice' 's on purpose).
Best flavor ever invented.

Baskin Robbins.

I got $70 bucks.

Exciting, eeh?

I was supposed to go to Tiffany (the one in San Francisco), but, complications.

We should be going tomorrow, if plans go as plans go.

Thanks to all of you who have said 'Happy Birthday'!

It really meant a lot to me.

Onto normal life;

I'm lonely.

Really.

My biggest, scariest, most overwhelming fear is to be alone.

So when I am alone, I feel like I'll be this way forever.

I know I (90% here) won't be alone forever.

Most people don't end up that way unless there's a good reason.

I feel like I talk about loneliness in every blog I ever write.
Maybe you get how important it is to me, I guess.

For those of you who would immediately say, "I'm here for you." "You'll never be alone, just talk to me," etc, etc, thank you.

I appreciate it.

But I think I'm not the only one that can be spoken for when I say that I need more than just friends.
A boyfriend (in my case) is a lot different than a friend.

It's a bit more and, to be honest, I trust them more.

I feel more comfortable with them.

I really miss that connection.

The hugs and kisses.

I need to learn to be independent and a strong, good woman.

But I don't think I can.

I'm just not the type.

I love a companion.

Anyways.

I really like clothes.

Clothes are good.

I want to go shopping, but I always like to go with $200+, so it's basically an 'every-two-months' thing.

I don't really know what to say.

I have no ranting, no extreme dislikes.

People are people and you can't change them;

Whether you want peace or an eco-friendly environment.

Things are always just going to get progressively worse.

So you just need to stick to yourself.

Love & miss you.

Brownies.

"Your life is created in your own image, so if you're down, imagine yourself happy. See what happens." - Alex Gray

One week exactly until my birthday!

Here we are in a new day, a new world.

Love blossoms and deteriorates and drama has risen again.

I guess that's life for you, though.

I don't really know what to say today.

I want to make brownies.

I think I'm going to go do that.

30 minutes later...

I always hate how long it takes to mix and pour, etc.

They were brownie cookies, though, so they take twice as long.

Now I wait another 30 minutes or so.

Hmm...

I like taking pictures.

Even though I'm very unphotogenic.

Most of the random pictures that people take of me aren't flattering at all, but that's OK.

I think that when people fret over unflattering pictures, it's stupid.

Why? Because whoever sees those pictures knows what you look like most of the time anyways.

So it doesn't really matter.

Usually I feel like I bother people when I talk because I talk a lot.

I like to talk.

I like to tell people my opinion and things.

I like it when people find me enjoyable, but I guess most people feel the same.

I think I'm going to end my post right here.

------------------------------------------------

Forgotten.

"I wanna be forgotten

And I don't wanna be reminded

You said, 'Please don't make this harder,'

No, I won't yet

I wanna be beside her

She wanna be admired

You said, 'Please don't make this harder,'

No, I won't yet"

What Ever Happened - The Strokes

I'm impatient, distorted and flustered.

I want love and affection now, because I hate feeling alone.

I'm frightened and lonely, without a companion to hold my hand.

Without somebody to spend my time with.

A friend sometimes can't fill the shoes that a love can.

The way they look in your eyes with warmth and compassion.

With a growing hunger just for the beauty your voice feeds their soul, but at the same time have the ability to look and stare at each other without the need to say a word.

An embrace that speaks pages all on it's own.

The sense of adventure and wonder that you experience while just being together.

The playful teasing and harmless name calling that frets you for a second, but ends in an Eskimo kiss.

Laughs that seem endless and are so genuine that you surprise yourself.

Being comfortable enough to share your deepest darkest secrets, knowing that the other person might just not know exactly what to say.

Have arguments that only prove that you're human and that the other person isn't going to be identical to you.

I want somebody that can handle the fact that I can't be mysterious.

I put my emotions on the table and explain exactly how I feel because I want you to know where I stand.

I want somebody that realizes that I'm only human and I make mistakes, whether knowledge or I tripped and spilled something.

I want somebody that can accept that I'm a huge nerd and I will probably enjoy video games for a very long time.

I want somebody that appreciates my taste in music and can disagree in a non-violent way.

I want somebody that can take me teasing at them, easily retorting with something of their own.

I want somebody who isn't boring. Who has a sense of adventure and passion for having fun.

I want somebody that is OK with me talking a lot. I apologize ahead of time. I can't help it.

I want somebody who knows what they want in life; even if it's just a simple thing.

I want somebody who's a cat person. I dislike dogs.

I want somebody who won't judge the fact that I'm a little bit vein. We all are.

I want life to happen quicker than it is.

I want a lot of things; all important in their own ways.

I don't want to be forgotten.

I want to be cared again.

I want to be reminded that I'm important.

"Someday, someday.

Sometime, sometime.

Always, always.

Sometime, sometime."

Someday - The Strokes

Love & miss you.

Strength.

I thoroughly enjoy this photograph.

I feel like a huge loser when it comes to where we've gone after we seperated.

I feel like I'm not having as much fun as you are (which isn't true) because you're involved in parties, drugs, alcohol, etc.

Maybe I'm just jealous, but deep down, I know I'm not.

I'd rather take hikes, go down to the beach, go to a big park with a grassy field I can play football in, go to an amusement park, take a walk, go to the city, go to an arcade, go to the movies, create vlogs to show the world, plan surprise parties, cuddle, have intimate & deep conversations about life & go shopping with my friends/boyfriend.

Because that sounds fun to me.

Today is truly the second day (I've been trying) that I've felt empowered and independent.

I don't need to rely on you.

I don't need to miss you.

I don't need to text you over and over again telling you how I feel because I realize that you have better things to do.

& Now so do I.

I feel good, happy and relaxed.

You aren't a burden, you're just a lesson that I needed to learn.

I'm moving on.

Thanks, Guys.

You've helped me over hills that seemed endless.

When It Shines.

"You never know what you have until it's gone. When it's back, it's changed. Confusion; then you begin to wonder if you truly missed what you had, or what you thought you had." -Alex Gray

Birthday countdown: 17 whole days. (2 and a half weeks).

I think it's funny how you think you begin to know a person, but when they get quiet and start speaking honestly from their hearts, your opinion changes. We're all smart and we all have opinions on bold topics. When you think somebody is a bit of an airhead, it's probably either a show, or they're guarding themselves for some reason or another.

I wish people were more straightforward about how they feel.
Right now.

Sorry for the short.

Open.

"Just as much as we see in others we have in ourselves." -William Hazlitt

"Life marks us all down, so it's just as well that we start out by overpricing ourselves." -Mignon McLaughlin

"Every day we slaughter our finest impulses. That is why we get a heart-ache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty. Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source. There is no mystery about the origin of things. We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, to discover what is already there." -Henry Miller

"Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people." -André Dubus

"The lowest point in our confidence is when we feel inferior to others; the highest point being when we feel superior. The time in between is spent struggling to realize that we're each as beautiful as the next." -Alex Gray

Self-Confidence.
It's a beautiful thing.

It's not easy for anybody to snap up and say, "Ok, I feel comfortable with myself." out of nowhere.

We all have problems and issues about ourselves that demand a lot of mental attention and frustration;

"I'm gay." "I'm fat." "I'm black." "I'm white." "I'm short." "I'm tall." "My hair cut is lame." "My nose is too big." "My boobs aren't big enough."

Etcetera. Etcetera.

As many personal struggles that you have, you need to remember that everybody is feeling this way.

You're not alone. You're never alone.

We each go through the pain of not feeling good enough and the fear of rejection.

We all want to be liked by that special someone and will go to immense heights just so they'll notice you.

You don't want to eat the whole bag of chips because you think you'll look fat.

The sad part of this remains in the fact that all people are self-concious about themselves in some way.

In our minds we think that everybody is staring at us, mentally pointing out flaws that (let's be honest) they probably don't even notice.

Think about it; how often do you point out flaws in other people?

If you do, how long do they actually stay in your mind?

Remember that we're all human and we all make mistakes.

None of us are perfect; the people you're envious of have problems, too.

As nice as it would be for each individual to know that and treat each other with respect, know that it won't happen anytime soon.

Stand up for yourself and know that you're beautiful; know that you're creative, smart, inspirational, wonderful.

Be the person you want to be; there isn't enough time in life to be afraid of the opinions of others.

Satisfy yourself because that's the only thing that matters.

Have fun, smile, dance, sing.

Everybody is equal.

Everybody is an amazing person inside and out.

Diversity brings us together in an amazing world; because you or others are different doesn't mean you're a bad person or need to be treated like one.

We're made of all different colors, shapes, sizes, personalities...

We're here for a reason; everybody is.

Don't let self-doubt stop you from reaching the full potential that you know you have inside.

Now smile and be you, because being somebody else is much more difficult anyways.

Love & Miss You.

Spring In Your Step.

I dislike breaks.

Why? Well, because I'm a loser and nobody wants to hang out with me.

I know, I know. Nobody.

So I get super bored for a whole 11 days.

My family is ridiculously boring, so that doesn't help either.

Pdk;jhfl;dkjghdgfndjfg.

Gah.

I don't know what to do.

I'm not very self-entertaining.

I leave myself with too much time to think and end up wallowing in my own misery.

Being extraverted sucks.

Save me.

Primary Colors.

I'm going to go ahead and assume that everybody has those nights that won't let you sleep until you get a little som'in som'in out.

Tonight... definitely one of those nights.

Here it goes:

I like you. You're cute. You make me laugh. Things are simple with you; never complicated. Not unless I feel like I did something stupid and cover it up with something even more stupid. I keep debating whether or not to be upfront with you about this; I think this is helping. This post, that is. It's a random and impulsive feeling, but it's been developing for about two weeks. It's not serious, but it's lingering longer than I assumed it would. I want to tell you and let things unravel into a possible connection, but I'm too nervous to take that risk. It would be beautiful if I could just say it in one blurp and have you respond with either, "Ok, let's get to know each other better," or, "You know, I'm just not into you that way." I would take the second just fine and it would get rid of these nagging butterflies. I don't want things to be awkward; I just want the words I can't find the courage to say to be said.

There. I already feel much better.

Now let Spring be bold and bring color into the lifeless eyes of the unconfident.

Love & miss you.

There's Something About You.

"Ride Wit Me" - Nelly
"Kiss My Sass" - Cobra Starship
"Mother We Just Can't Get Enough" - New Radicals

It's 7:15 on a Friday night and things feel OK.
I'm happy. I feel good.

I'm doing some homework.
Nina decided I was a good tutor so I get 12 bucks an hour 2 days a week.

This goodness isn't all to say I've forgotten, because I definitely haven't.
That bugs me. I don't want to remember.
All it is is a reminder of past happiness that I don't have at the moment.
Awful.

I got my new clothes last weekend and I'm satisfied.
I love getting complements on them; makes me feel like I've done something right.
Not to mention over the past few months I've become increasingly interested in fashion, photography, modeling, and art pieces.
I like the finer things in life; it's just the way I am.
I wouldn't go as far as say "materialistic", but hey, a girl likes to look her best.

I love knowing that I'm not rude (or atleast don't try to be) and try to pass on my smiles.
My biggest goal is to make a small difference in people's lives for the better.
Seeing laughter gives me a huge rush of happiness and joy.
It's cheesy and pretty obvious, but it's true and nothing gives a more amazing feeling.

My room is a fuckin' mess and I need to clean it up.
Clean atmosphere leads to an uncluttered mind.

Hm.
I guess that's all this Alex has to say;
See you next time.

Loves & Fears; Smiles & Tears.

The Overrated Truth of Deception.

The constant banter between rain and shine has become tiresome; why can't the younger sibling win the battle?

It would be fun to dance and run and play in the rain.

Even if I was just by myself with a song playing in the back of my head...

The wet shivers just make me smile with a sense of wonder and amusement.

Why can't everyday rain?

"& I take it just a little bit; I hold my breath and count to ten; I've been waiting for a chance to let you in... If I just breathe with no space between, I'll know everything is alright."

"It's all so overrated, not saying how you feel... So you end up watching chances fade and wondering what's real."


All You Wanted - Michelle Branch
Breathe - Michelle Branch
Everywhere - Michelle Branch

Why Michelle Branch today?
I'm not sure.
Just feelin' it.
She's calm. Today was pretty calm.

Quote of the day/week: "It's not that big of a deal. Don't make it a big deal." - Alex Gray
Don't stress every little thing out. Just... breathe. Think rationally, please. That's all that needs to be done.

I have a crush on a boy.
Well, maybe it's not a crush.
Maybe I just want boys to like me because I need a self esteem boost.
Is that too much? Is that considered vein?
I hope not. It's just a personal thought.

You know, I'm glad my parents are divorced.
It's horrible to say, but if they were together things would be pretty.. for lack of a better word, shitty.
Things happen for a reason.
All things happen for a reason.
Or maybe I'd just like to believe so because it gives me hope for better things to come.
People need hope.
Hope is good in most cases; unless it's false, then I get a little upset.

Overall, life is good.
I love the smiles.
I'm being negligent to my studies, but that's normal.
I probably should pick it up, though, or things might get ugly.

I think my greatest fear is to be alone.
I hate being alone.
I'm terrified.
I can't stand the silence and only sometimes can I tolerate it. (That being when I'm rather down).
Anyways.

I hate to stop watching Heroes when I got down to the very last episode of the first season.
Bummer, right?
Yeap.

I'm kind of tired of bringing the cupcakes to school, but I love making them and making people happy to eat them.
You feel me?
Good.

I think all I want to do is to be in love.
To be loved by another so deeply that things are comfortable in my mind.
So things feel complete and eventful even when nothings really going on.
Hmm.

& last, but not least:
I love Nickolai for making me happy when nobody else can.
When I'm crying for all that I'm worth and am pretty much incomprehensible.
I'm sorry that I was blind to kindness when all I wanted was the approval of somebody who wasn't even worth it & for being ignorant and naive to lies and deceit.
Thank you. For everything.
I could never repay you for all of the nice things that you did for me just because you cared.

Wonderland.

My, what a big ego you have.

5 days later & I feel good!
I feel wonderful.
Last night there was a family episode, but whatever.
Other than that... Things are... Newly beautiful.

Plans for this weekend?
Not much.
+ Going to the gym both days.
+ Probably going for a walk, just because.
+ I'll go see Alice if somebody hits me up about it. I might even go if nobody hits me up about it.
+ Work on some homework, mainly the Mitchell essay. (I know, miracles do happen).
+ Collect $50 from my mother from the accumulated last 3 weeks.
+ Laundy.
+ Refresh my iTunes.
+ Maybe I'll go to Michaels and get a new canvas to work on.
+ Make more cupcakes.
+ Actually, I take that back, I'll probably go get some tapers. This is gonna hurt.

Sounds good, right?
I think so.
Of course, things might not happen and new things might replace them, but for now it sounds good.

Not much more to say, kids.
Overall, I'm doing swimmingly.
Just thought I'd share.

Loves & Fears, Smiles & Tears.

This picture is from Amy Lynn Photography;
To see more: http://www.facebook.com/amylynnphotography
or http://www.myspace.com/spinningheartsphotography
Beautiful, ehh?

All & Nothing.

Hey, sweety-pie.

Photography credits; Scophy.com

Diana Tang;
You're some pretty cute shit, Darlin'.
Just shaying.

Mmm: We Should Whisper is good.
Check him out.

I'm drinking Mucho Mango Arizona Iced Tea.
Good? I think so.

Please wake me up when this is all over so I can get back to sanity.
You loved me, I loved you.
Now you don't love me, but I still love you.
I'm sorry, but you suck. Royally.
I need to get my shit in check.
This is starting to get ridic.
You ignore me, it's probably for the best, but of course I'm still upset. Maybe it's the whole first love bullshit.
Ugh. I hate cliche, just like Ms. Mitchell and most English teachers do.
I hate being involved in cliche. A typical cliche.

I talk about it too much.
I should abjure (psychedelic word, huh?) the whole situation altogether.
Make it non-existent.
Wait for something even more beautiful to catch my eye.
Yeap. Mhm. That's it...
Al;sdkfj;sdfsld;f;sdfsd.
Excuse me.

I think in time of grief in any kind, girls retreat to the infamous:
Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Prove me wrong, I dare you.

"But when this is over and done with and we walk away, there should be no doubts."
-Beauty In the Breakdown (The Scene Aesthetic)

Hand-Eye Coordination.

Sorry for not posting lately (if you're one of my avid readers).
Sarcasm, sarcasm.

Today was OK.

I was browsing through some photographers portfolios and saw some super cute pictures.

Kind of like this one ->

(Which was my favorite and is probably my all-time favorite picture anywhere).

Ever since I was little I always imagined a picture exactly like this one.

It's pretty much what I always wanted me and my future significant other to be like.

Ha, surprise or no surprise?
It's just a simple portrayal of casual rivalry and companionship.

I think I'm coming around to the idea of letting go.
It's really difficult; especially since I was genuinely happy.
Thinking about the most ideal situation helps, but the only problem with that is that no relationship is perfect, so I'm thinking a little too idealistic, and I'm back to feeling sadened.
Something'll happen eventually, I just need to be patient, and patience is the problem.

Onto something different (I talk too much about said sadness too much to make it any easier for me to recover) :
I'm tired of ignorance.
Don't be ignorant.
Don't think that things will always happen the way you want them to just because you think you came up with a magical solution.
They won't.
Think completely and to the best of your ability over a period of a few months; you'll know what I mean.

Onto something even more different:
I'm tired of feeling left out.
I understand being left out; I understand why I'm not being invited; it just sucks.
I would like to laugh and be able to contribute to funny conversations and smiles.
I want to be a part of something and, this is so cliche, feel like I fit in somewhere.
I want to have a ton of friends to go and hang out with who'll appreciate my company and enjoy my presence.
That's all I want.
It's not a lot, is it? To want happiness among friends who'll make you feel busy and joyful?
It'll take my mind off of things and I won't worry so much.
I'll have something to do.
Moping around is no pick-me-upper, I can assure you.

The past few days that I haven't posted have just been tiresome weekend days of bland disaster.
I did make pancakes, though, so that wasn't so terrible.
It got me to do something.

I'm almost done with my audio book! (Eep!)
I need more books. (Hint, hint?)
That'll help, too.

Friends > books, but all the same, you need some fantasy world time no matter what.

I'm hungry; I think I'm going to go get some toast.

Loves & Fears; Smiles & Tears.

The Nature of Being Ordinary.

Ordinary Day - Vanessa Carlton

I just woke up from a 6 hour nap.
My mom woke me up about 2 hours ago for dinner but I just fell back to sleep.
My stomach hurts, but I'm not hungry.
It's definitely the I-never-want-to-eat-again kind.
Now you know.

I'm anxious and nervous to move to my dad's (if I do).
It's a whole 6 months away & I'm already worrying.
Wait, new school year is 6 months away? Shit.
That's not very far.
16 weeks until the end of school. Maybe 15.

Changing schools is never easy and he said I would move to the one without all of my friends.
Not because he's an asshole, he just thinks the school is nicer.
Well... Whatever.
There's a possibility that a couple.. might.. be there.
Not losing faith!

My dream was weird.
All I can clearly remember is my dad dropping us off at my mom's house and he left and my mom goes, "Well, I guess me and Dad are getting back together." Like she had to.
It was the weirdest thing in the world.

It probably sparked from my dad saying, "If me and Mom were together, you really wouldn't have a choice to live away from your brother."
Jeez, I hope they don't.
That would be kind of disastrous.

I need to eat something, but I don't want to.
So, moving on.

I want new books to keep me occupied; the audio books are starting to get repetitive.
I love them, but new adventures would be awesome.
Reading (or listening) to books for the second time can always be expectant.

Today was normal.
I didn't get into my AP Psyche!
Lol, but that's OK, I kind of knew I wouldn't.
No sweat.
I might not even be here next year anyways to bask in it's glory.

Not much new happening - just a lot of raw emotion in my head.
Again I repeat: "Not much new happening."

Love & Miss You.

Body Modifications.

The One & Only: http://www.mrzebra.com/

'Noon, Lad.
Recently (within the past few years) I've wanted to get tattooed.
Really badly.
My ideas have remained similar and I'm happy with my decisions.
They're not outrageous, but I do like the idea of them showing.
Piercings are fascinating, too, so I'll probably start getting them as soon as I get off of my ass and bother.
(This picture is really cute).

Piercings:
+ 7/8'' gauge (I know, I know, wrong terminology).
-Just so you don't have to whip out a ruler (if you were even going to) it's about the size of both of your pinkies if you put them side by side or here: (...................) about that size.
+ Two lip piercings on the bottom right (if you're facing me) about 1/2 of a centimeter apart: .(...).
+ Septum (unclosed ring). I am a taurus after all. (Pun/joke intended).

Tattoos:
+ "Love" on my right wrist, "Hate" on my left (typical, but I thoroughly enjoy the idea).
+ "Hello" across the crease on my right thumb (the crease acting like the lines on college ruled paper), "Goodbye" across the crease on my left thumb.
-Ever since I was about 5 years old I would trace "Hello" with my right pointer finger everywhere I could on my body (mainly my right thumb and right cheek). I don't know why.
- For those of you who haven't figured it out, if I stick both of hands out like I'm going to give you a double high-five, it'll end up saying "Hello, Love" on my right hand & "Goodbye, Hate" on my left hand (without the commas).
+ I want a quote on my left foot, I just haven't decided what it will be quite yet.
-It will most likely be "Time heals, but only if you're willing to let it."
-Its meaning should be pretty self-explanatory.
+ I really want a pink bow somewhere. I'm leaning towards one on each of my calves (the upper area right below the backs of your knees) or just putting it next to my foot-quote.
-The pink bow symbolises my stubborn nature (the bow isn't undone and is wrapped tight) and delicate personality.
+ A sun behind my right ear & a crescent moon behind my left ear. (The sun rises in the east and sets in the west).
-A lil' some'm some'm for my momma. Crescent moons and suns always remind me of her because of the old blankets she used to have.
-It's also a dedication to routine, but at the same time it holds new beginnings. A new day, a new adventure, but at the same time, it's the same adventure. A mouthful, eh?
+ A sparrow on my right hip facing down-outward (down my right thigh, not near my vagina, jesus).
-Yes, sparrow tattoos are cliche. Yes, everybody does them. No, it does not make them any less pretty. I've always seen them as a "breaking out of insecurity and self-conciousness" symbol.
+ I'm on the fence about my back tattoos. I want either a big, feathered angel wing on the right side (matching up with love) & a big, dead demon wing on the left side (matching up with hate), or a climbing cherry blossom tree. I've always wanted both. I pretty much want both equally. I probably won't get either of them, but there you go.
+ I want a right sleeve, but the thing about them is: Very visible. No, that isn't a bad thing, it's just not considered very professional and they tend to be a pain-in-the-ass to cover up if you needed to. I have no idea what I'd want on them, they probably won't happen, but it's a neat idea.

I think that'll be it for today.
Overall I was emotionally fine today.
Nothing traumatic.
Let's keep it that way.

Love you.

Me.

I would walk to the ends of the Earth

For you;

For me?

What would you do

For me?

Nothing;

I believe.

You don't see what you used to see

In me;

What I don't see

In myself.

Anymore.

A blind hope;

An ignorant one.

It blossoms;

It truly wants

That which it cannot be

True.

A love;

An old love, but a new.

In the open heart

I've left.

Aching.

Wanting.

Seeing that

You're there.

Gone.

Not wanting what you

No longer see.

Which is

Simply

Me.

Rain & It's Effects.

"They say that time heals all wounds but all it's done so far is give me more time to think about how much I miss you."
-Ezbeth Wilder

"No man is rich enough to buy back his past."
-Oscar Wilde

Yesterday was awful, today is the same old.
I stayed home from school today, but I expected it.
I took an extra medication and my body decided that that was so not OK and threw up twice.
So there you go.
That's why I stayed home.
In case you were curious.

I almost wish I went to school, though.
I love the rain. I love school in the rain.
It brings this simpleness out of people.
Like a common feeling and awkwardness.
You walk into the classroom and everybody is just... well, they all have the same feeling.
"It's raining."
You smile at people, and for some reason, when it's raining, they will always smile back.

Maybe I'm over-analyzing this.
Maybe I'm just trying too hard to analyze why people do things at all.
I almost get no surprise out of answers anymore because I know the typical response for a question.
Huh. The human psyche is getting boring? No. Just... typical.

Not even that.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
My mind is a blur.
I have too many thoughts to simplify into one simple compilation of text.

Nickolai called. I answered. We talked. We hung up. I'm back. (40 minutes).

Boys are silly. They make my heart ache.
I'll remember something that a certain someone said or their mannerisms that somebody just happened to repeat and I break down.
I don't like it.
I wish I could just flood all of it away into some cavity that my brain has that I can't tap into.
If that happened I could stay happy and never worry about the problems that the said person causes.
I wouldn't bother people with my troubles and I wouldn't hurt.
What I think is strange about all of this is that all girls and boys that have suffered heartaches know how I feel.
We've all felt the tightening that happens in the pit of your stomach that just won't go away until you completely can ignore the emotion and it only lasts for so long.

I lasted a week. A whole week. And now I'm done.
I'm 3 days away from 2 weeks and sometime along the way I've collapsed.
I want it all back. I'm upset with myself for making such selfish mistakes.
I should be upset with the other because it's not all my fault, but I can't help but feel like it is.
I did it to myself. I hurt myself because I was enjoying myself too much.
That's what it is.

My mind is so cluttered.
Love, friends, and family have all polluted the brain that was sane only 4 months ago.
I was happy 4 months ago.
Now all I can think about is if people like me. If people think I'm ugly. If people even want to befriend me.
Why he let me go for the simplest reason and how I could've changed things just ever so slightly and they would've made the difference and I would be OK now.
If I move over to Dad's house, will he financially be OK?
I know he's kind of a mess right now, so I don't want to strain him anymore than he's already strained.
If I go to school in Los Gatos then I won't even be going to school with my friends, so is it worth it?
I know they only live a few streets away, so I could walk if I really wanted to.

Every thought I have is plagued with another that clouds my mind with fear.
I'm a self-concious puddle of disaster and I can't even help myself out of it.
I want to so badly, but I can't seem to reach that light at the end of the tunnel.
Problems just keep appearing out of nowhere.

I think all I want is to be loved by another so much and trusted so much that I'm completed.
That I can tell everything to them without fear of rejection.
But isn't that what everybody wants?

Well, congratulations, Alexandra.
You have accomplished nothing.

Whoever is reading this;
Sorry for passing on confusion.
Love you.

Seven Deadly Sins.

I'll Make the Moves - Scenes & Sirens
Beauty In the Breakdown (Acoustic) - The Scene Aesthetic
Thinking of You - Katy Perry
The Moneymaker - Rilo Kiley
Foundations - Kate Nash
Mr. Right - Mickey Avalon
So Rich, So Pretty - Mickey Avalon
Face Up - Lights

Hey, kids.

So here I am.

Back from the glory that is my fathers home.

It was fun; thanks for asking.

I ate way too much, though, and now I feel fat.

Awesome.

I did miss home, so it's nice to be here, too.

We were looking for my cat for a few minutes and my grandpa goes, "Why don't you look outside, the cat door was open for a little bit."

After I freaked out that the cat door was open, I looked outside, and within seconds, my cat runs at full speed inside.

I thought it was funny.

Ha.

I have a headache and I've had it all weekend.

It's definately not making me a happy camper.

And that kind of made me sad; saying happy camper.

-Sigh & a mental slap-

The best part about being at my dad's is actually watching good television.

Or watching television at all, really.

When I'm at home, there is always somebody hovering around downstairs that you just don't want to be with.

Not that enjoyable.

Onto our topic of the day: Jealousy.

What is jealousy?

jeal·ous·y–noun,plural-ous·ies for 4.
1.
jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.
2.
mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3.
vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.
4.
a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

And there you go.

I'm jealous way too often to improve my life, I'm sure.

It's just recently been a problem.

I want something that I can't have and so I get jealous of whoever can have it.

Anyways.

Did you know that the best motivation to make something better or to improve your emotional state is by pushing yourself?

I know, right? Astounding.

Self-Motivation is the best motivation.

The only thing wrong with this is that if you're completely depressed and in emotional turmoil, how are you supposed to work together enough happiness to even motivate yourself at all?

I'm having a really weird mental experience right now.

I'm angry, upset, and for some reason I feel like that journalist chick that always blogs late at night in her New York apartament... You know the one.

I haven't felt this bad in a while.

I just want to kick somebody in the face.

Let's move on to a less aggressive topic.

What does Alex Gray want to do when high school is over?

I want to go to college, get my degree in psychology, and try to make something out of it.

Try to be a teen psychologist.

Do you know how much every teenage kid needs one? It's crazy.

Anyways, while I'm in school I would love to get a little retail job or something so I can support myself for that time period.

That or have a roommate, which would be kickass and help with finances.

I really need somebody to help me pick myself up.

I don't think I can do this alone, it's pathetic.

I want to be able to do everything on my own and be independent with all of the things I do, but I just don't think I can keep myself going at this rate.

I have issues that need to be resolved within my own mind.

This is a depressing blog.

I think I'm going to stop before I spread my problems.

Love & Other Frightening Tales.

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love;
Listens but doesn't believe,
And leaves before she is left."
-Marilyn Monroe

Beautiful quote, for it is so true.
Boys are silly, but somewhat irresistible.
This picture is gorgeous, but I just can't pin down why.

Oh, Love.
You are quite the mystery to me.
I just don't understand you.
One minute, I am upset; the next? Perfectly content.
On the bright side, the contentment has lasted.. I would say a little over a week.

Love, I would appreciate it if you took it a little easy on me and maybe... just, maybe...
Throw me some blossoming blushes and kind, meaningful words?

Perhaps it'll last?
I would be ever so thankful, I promise!

Anyways;

Today was wondrous and smile-filled.
I wish everyday was wondrous and smile-filled, don't you?
No bad days? Yeah?
YEH. Very nice.

I'm going to my fathers house tomorrow morning.
I haven't seen him in... I would say... 3 or 4 months.
Is that bad? I'm kind of nervous.
Me and my dad are very similar; extraverted to say the least.
He hates to be alone, I hate to be alone... He hates blows to his ego, I hate blows to my ego...
The only difference is that I have an outer perspective of the world and reasoning and both of my parents have very tunnel-vision views.
Like I said previously; what they don't understand is automatically constituted as negative.
I look like my mom (practically twins if you compare her youth pictures to mine) & have the personality of my daddio.
Interesting.
The good part of seeing my dad is being able to hang out with some of my old friends.
I haven't seen any of them in 2 years, so that'll be cool.

I hope that someday I'll be completely happy with myself.

With the way my life has turned out.

But for now, it is only a dream.

Hmm.

Wouldn't it be great if we could just go to school and instantly the person that makes the best match for you comes up and says, "Hello, we're soul-mates."?

It would be so interesting to just see who goes to who.

Quite curious, really. What if one of those really pretty, popular girls got some completely lonely kid? Like one nobody ever really looked over?

That would be something to see.

Has anybody else ever (when they get really, extremely bored in the middle of class) imagined what would happen if that classroom became locked down and you couldn't get in or out for however long (talking weeks-months-days, disregarding hygiene and food issues)?

Like who would befriend who and so forth?

I thought I was the only one who thought of that, but I know a couple of others have.

Ha.

I somewhat dislike weekends, come to think of it.

I don't have a very avid, jumping social life, so they're just boring.

The only thing I appreciate about them is sleeping in and post-poning homework for 2-3 days.

Oh, I remember what I was going to say...

Don't you hate that pang you get in your stomach when something heart-wrenching comes to mind?

It just kind of ruins your day.

Then you get to thinking and thinking and the pang just gets worse and worse and pretty soon you're just like, "I hate my life".

Or is that just me?

I hope nobody else feels horrible, but at the same time, I don't like feeling like a loser if I'm the only one.

They should invent anti-pang medicine.

Auf Wiedersehen;

Side pony-tails are cute.

Peace.

Here We Go.

Everything Has Changed - William Fitzsimmons

It's Not True - William Fitzsimmons

Funeral Dress - William Fitzsimmons

Life in its grand wonders has decided that I'm going to start a blog.

I need a blog.

Blogs are good.

This morning I was thinking about religion.

What if government officials just decided to create religion?

And of course the people wouldn't reject the idea because it's so nice to think of a life after life.

Then crime would decrease somewhat due to the people's devotion to a deity and their somewhat skewed views on right and wrong.

I mean, it makes sense.

I don't understand the whole situation of Jesus, anyways, so there has to be a more rational explanation for those who aren't as willing to view life as multiple sections of revival and dedication to this creature whom you don't even see once in your lifetime.

I also don't get the Christian rejection for those things ''magical'' (for example; Harry Potter's wands and the like), for Jesus' resurrection can't be anything short of it.

On another note, I think it's strange how many people are trying to be different when it would be so much less complicated and simple if we were more the same.

I'm not talking gray blobs (only in my dreams; Alex GRAY?; anyways), but if we had a whole level of comprehension and understanding, there would be less hate, anger and rejection.

On my way home from school, me and my mom were talking about some guy she's known for years. She said she would never date him because he was too "co-dependent" & I just called it a light, more technical term for "clingy". In short, we got in a tiff about the difference; he gets depressed and lonely and can't even go out with his friends whom have significant others if he's single and she regarded it as a completely horrible, terrible thing. Sure, it's not healthy, but she went a little nuts with it.

My point: Some people are so negative and hateful towards things they don't understand.

She's an intraverted person whom has been alone, some 10 years, and doesn't realize that there are people that are just very... for lack of a better word, "troubled" when they are alone. They like to be around people and tend to need relationships to keep them uplifted, so when they are without, they get depressed when reminded that they are alone.

Like me, for example. I am very much this way. Not so much that it affects my ability to function, but it does make me a little upset because I need that constant social aspect of being with another. It doesn't mean "needy" or "clingy" but simply different in almost every sense of the word. I appreciate conversation and without it I am saddened.

Hence blogging. It's a chat with my concious mind about the things revolving in the sub-concious.

Anyways!

Off I go to listen to audiobooks while I dwindle to Slumberland.