Rain & It's Effects.

"They say that time heals all wounds but all it's done so far is give me more time to think about how much I miss you."
-Ezbeth Wilder

"No man is rich enough to buy back his past."
-Oscar Wilde

Yesterday was awful, today is the same old.
I stayed home from school today, but I expected it.
I took an extra medication and my body decided that that was so not OK and threw up twice.
So there you go.
That's why I stayed home.
In case you were curious.

I almost wish I went to school, though.
I love the rain. I love school in the rain.
It brings this simpleness out of people.
Like a common feeling and awkwardness.
You walk into the classroom and everybody is just... well, they all have the same feeling.
"It's raining."
You smile at people, and for some reason, when it's raining, they will always smile back.

Maybe I'm over-analyzing this.
Maybe I'm just trying too hard to analyze why people do things at all.
I almost get no surprise out of answers anymore because I know the typical response for a question.
Huh. The human psyche is getting boring? No. Just... typical.

Not even that.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
My mind is a blur.
I have too many thoughts to simplify into one simple compilation of text.

Nickolai called. I answered. We talked. We hung up. I'm back. (40 minutes).

Boys are silly. They make my heart ache.
I'll remember something that a certain someone said or their mannerisms that somebody just happened to repeat and I break down.
I don't like it.
I wish I could just flood all of it away into some cavity that my brain has that I can't tap into.
If that happened I could stay happy and never worry about the problems that the said person causes.
I wouldn't bother people with my troubles and I wouldn't hurt.
What I think is strange about all of this is that all girls and boys that have suffered heartaches know how I feel.
We've all felt the tightening that happens in the pit of your stomach that just won't go away until you completely can ignore the emotion and it only lasts for so long.

I lasted a week. A whole week. And now I'm done.
I'm 3 days away from 2 weeks and sometime along the way I've collapsed.
I want it all back. I'm upset with myself for making such selfish mistakes.
I should be upset with the other because it's not all my fault, but I can't help but feel like it is.
I did it to myself. I hurt myself because I was enjoying myself too much.
That's what it is.

My mind is so cluttered.
Love, friends, and family have all polluted the brain that was sane only 4 months ago.
I was happy 4 months ago.
Now all I can think about is if people like me. If people think I'm ugly. If people even want to befriend me.
Why he let me go for the simplest reason and how I could've changed things just ever so slightly and they would've made the difference and I would be OK now.
If I move over to Dad's house, will he financially be OK?
I know he's kind of a mess right now, so I don't want to strain him anymore than he's already strained.
If I go to school in Los Gatos then I won't even be going to school with my friends, so is it worth it?
I know they only live a few streets away, so I could walk if I really wanted to.

Every thought I have is plagued with another that clouds my mind with fear.
I'm a self-concious puddle of disaster and I can't even help myself out of it.
I want to so badly, but I can't seem to reach that light at the end of the tunnel.
Problems just keep appearing out of nowhere.

I think all I want is to be loved by another so much and trusted so much that I'm completed.
That I can tell everything to them without fear of rejection.
But isn't that what everybody wants?

Well, congratulations, Alexandra.
You have accomplished nothing.

Whoever is reading this;
Sorry for passing on confusion.
Love you.