Hand-Eye Coordination.

Sorry for not posting lately (if you're one of my avid readers).
Sarcasm, sarcasm.

Today was OK.

I was browsing through some photographers portfolios and saw some super cute pictures.

Kind of like this one ->

(Which was my favorite and is probably my all-time favorite picture anywhere).

Ever since I was little I always imagined a picture exactly like this one.

It's pretty much what I always wanted me and my future significant other to be like.

Ha, surprise or no surprise?
It's just a simple portrayal of casual rivalry and companionship.

I think I'm coming around to the idea of letting go.
It's really difficult; especially since I was genuinely happy.
Thinking about the most ideal situation helps, but the only problem with that is that no relationship is perfect, so I'm thinking a little too idealistic, and I'm back to feeling sadened.
Something'll happen eventually, I just need to be patient, and patience is the problem.

Onto something different (I talk too much about said sadness too much to make it any easier for me to recover) :
I'm tired of ignorance.
Don't be ignorant.
Don't think that things will always happen the way you want them to just because you think you came up with a magical solution.
They won't.
Think completely and to the best of your ability over a period of a few months; you'll know what I mean.

Onto something even more different:
I'm tired of feeling left out.
I understand being left out; I understand why I'm not being invited; it just sucks.
I would like to laugh and be able to contribute to funny conversations and smiles.
I want to be a part of something and, this is so cliche, feel like I fit in somewhere.
I want to have a ton of friends to go and hang out with who'll appreciate my company and enjoy my presence.
That's all I want.
It's not a lot, is it? To want happiness among friends who'll make you feel busy and joyful?
It'll take my mind off of things and I won't worry so much.
I'll have something to do.
Moping around is no pick-me-upper, I can assure you.

The past few days that I haven't posted have just been tiresome weekend days of bland disaster.
I did make pancakes, though, so that wasn't so terrible.
It got me to do something.

I'm almost done with my audio book! (Eep!)
I need more books. (Hint, hint?)
That'll help, too.

Friends > books, but all the same, you need some fantasy world time no matter what.

I'm hungry; I think I'm going to go get some toast.

Loves & Fears; Smiles & Tears.

The Nature of Being Ordinary.

Ordinary Day - Vanessa Carlton

I just woke up from a 6 hour nap.
My mom woke me up about 2 hours ago for dinner but I just fell back to sleep.
My stomach hurts, but I'm not hungry.
It's definitely the I-never-want-to-eat-again kind.
Now you know.

I'm anxious and nervous to move to my dad's (if I do).
It's a whole 6 months away & I'm already worrying.
Wait, new school year is 6 months away? Shit.
That's not very far.
16 weeks until the end of school. Maybe 15.

Changing schools is never easy and he said I would move to the one without all of my friends.
Not because he's an asshole, he just thinks the school is nicer.
Well... Whatever.
There's a possibility that a couple.. might.. be there.
Not losing faith!

My dream was weird.
All I can clearly remember is my dad dropping us off at my mom's house and he left and my mom goes, "Well, I guess me and Dad are getting back together." Like she had to.
It was the weirdest thing in the world.

It probably sparked from my dad saying, "If me and Mom were together, you really wouldn't have a choice to live away from your brother."
Jeez, I hope they don't.
That would be kind of disastrous.

I need to eat something, but I don't want to.
So, moving on.

I want new books to keep me occupied; the audio books are starting to get repetitive.
I love them, but new adventures would be awesome.
Reading (or listening) to books for the second time can always be expectant.

Today was normal.
I didn't get into my AP Psyche!
Lol, but that's OK, I kind of knew I wouldn't.
No sweat.
I might not even be here next year anyways to bask in it's glory.

Not much new happening - just a lot of raw emotion in my head.
Again I repeat: "Not much new happening."

Love & Miss You.

Body Modifications.

The One & Only: http://www.mrzebra.com/

'Noon, Lad.
Recently (within the past few years) I've wanted to get tattooed.
Really badly.
My ideas have remained similar and I'm happy with my decisions.
They're not outrageous, but I do like the idea of them showing.
Piercings are fascinating, too, so I'll probably start getting them as soon as I get off of my ass and bother.
(This picture is really cute).

Piercings:
+ 7/8'' gauge (I know, I know, wrong terminology).
-Just so you don't have to whip out a ruler (if you were even going to) it's about the size of both of your pinkies if you put them side by side or here: (...................) about that size.
+ Two lip piercings on the bottom right (if you're facing me) about 1/2 of a centimeter apart: .(...).
+ Septum (unclosed ring). I am a taurus after all. (Pun/joke intended).

Tattoos:
+ "Love" on my right wrist, "Hate" on my left (typical, but I thoroughly enjoy the idea).
+ "Hello" across the crease on my right thumb (the crease acting like the lines on college ruled paper), "Goodbye" across the crease on my left thumb.
-Ever since I was about 5 years old I would trace "Hello" with my right pointer finger everywhere I could on my body (mainly my right thumb and right cheek). I don't know why.
- For those of you who haven't figured it out, if I stick both of hands out like I'm going to give you a double high-five, it'll end up saying "Hello, Love" on my right hand & "Goodbye, Hate" on my left hand (without the commas).
+ I want a quote on my left foot, I just haven't decided what it will be quite yet.
-It will most likely be "Time heals, but only if you're willing to let it."
-Its meaning should be pretty self-explanatory.
+ I really want a pink bow somewhere. I'm leaning towards one on each of my calves (the upper area right below the backs of your knees) or just putting it next to my foot-quote.
-The pink bow symbolises my stubborn nature (the bow isn't undone and is wrapped tight) and delicate personality.
+ A sun behind my right ear & a crescent moon behind my left ear. (The sun rises in the east and sets in the west).
-A lil' some'm some'm for my momma. Crescent moons and suns always remind me of her because of the old blankets she used to have.
-It's also a dedication to routine, but at the same time it holds new beginnings. A new day, a new adventure, but at the same time, it's the same adventure. A mouthful, eh?
+ A sparrow on my right hip facing down-outward (down my right thigh, not near my vagina, jesus).
-Yes, sparrow tattoos are cliche. Yes, everybody does them. No, it does not make them any less pretty. I've always seen them as a "breaking out of insecurity and self-conciousness" symbol.
+ I'm on the fence about my back tattoos. I want either a big, feathered angel wing on the right side (matching up with love) & a big, dead demon wing on the left side (matching up with hate), or a climbing cherry blossom tree. I've always wanted both. I pretty much want both equally. I probably won't get either of them, but there you go.
+ I want a right sleeve, but the thing about them is: Very visible. No, that isn't a bad thing, it's just not considered very professional and they tend to be a pain-in-the-ass to cover up if you needed to. I have no idea what I'd want on them, they probably won't happen, but it's a neat idea.

I think that'll be it for today.
Overall I was emotionally fine today.
Nothing traumatic.
Let's keep it that way.

Love you.

Me.

I would walk to the ends of the Earth

For you;

For me?

What would you do

For me?

Nothing;

I believe.

You don't see what you used to see

In me;

What I don't see

In myself.

Anymore.

A blind hope;

An ignorant one.

It blossoms;

It truly wants

That which it cannot be

True.

A love;

An old love, but a new.

In the open heart

I've left.

Aching.

Wanting.

Seeing that

You're there.

Gone.

Not wanting what you

No longer see.

Which is

Simply

Me.

Rain & It's Effects.

"They say that time heals all wounds but all it's done so far is give me more time to think about how much I miss you."
-Ezbeth Wilder

"No man is rich enough to buy back his past."
-Oscar Wilde

Yesterday was awful, today is the same old.
I stayed home from school today, but I expected it.
I took an extra medication and my body decided that that was so not OK and threw up twice.
So there you go.
That's why I stayed home.
In case you were curious.

I almost wish I went to school, though.
I love the rain. I love school in the rain.
It brings this simpleness out of people.
Like a common feeling and awkwardness.
You walk into the classroom and everybody is just... well, they all have the same feeling.
"It's raining."
You smile at people, and for some reason, when it's raining, they will always smile back.

Maybe I'm over-analyzing this.
Maybe I'm just trying too hard to analyze why people do things at all.
I almost get no surprise out of answers anymore because I know the typical response for a question.
Huh. The human psyche is getting boring? No. Just... typical.

Not even that.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
My mind is a blur.
I have too many thoughts to simplify into one simple compilation of text.

Nickolai called. I answered. We talked. We hung up. I'm back. (40 minutes).

Boys are silly. They make my heart ache.
I'll remember something that a certain someone said or their mannerisms that somebody just happened to repeat and I break down.
I don't like it.
I wish I could just flood all of it away into some cavity that my brain has that I can't tap into.
If that happened I could stay happy and never worry about the problems that the said person causes.
I wouldn't bother people with my troubles and I wouldn't hurt.
What I think is strange about all of this is that all girls and boys that have suffered heartaches know how I feel.
We've all felt the tightening that happens in the pit of your stomach that just won't go away until you completely can ignore the emotion and it only lasts for so long.

I lasted a week. A whole week. And now I'm done.
I'm 3 days away from 2 weeks and sometime along the way I've collapsed.
I want it all back. I'm upset with myself for making such selfish mistakes.
I should be upset with the other because it's not all my fault, but I can't help but feel like it is.
I did it to myself. I hurt myself because I was enjoying myself too much.
That's what it is.

My mind is so cluttered.
Love, friends, and family have all polluted the brain that was sane only 4 months ago.
I was happy 4 months ago.
Now all I can think about is if people like me. If people think I'm ugly. If people even want to befriend me.
Why he let me go for the simplest reason and how I could've changed things just ever so slightly and they would've made the difference and I would be OK now.
If I move over to Dad's house, will he financially be OK?
I know he's kind of a mess right now, so I don't want to strain him anymore than he's already strained.
If I go to school in Los Gatos then I won't even be going to school with my friends, so is it worth it?
I know they only live a few streets away, so I could walk if I really wanted to.

Every thought I have is plagued with another that clouds my mind with fear.
I'm a self-concious puddle of disaster and I can't even help myself out of it.
I want to so badly, but I can't seem to reach that light at the end of the tunnel.
Problems just keep appearing out of nowhere.

I think all I want is to be loved by another so much and trusted so much that I'm completed.
That I can tell everything to them without fear of rejection.
But isn't that what everybody wants?

Well, congratulations, Alexandra.
You have accomplished nothing.

Whoever is reading this;
Sorry for passing on confusion.
Love you.

Seven Deadly Sins.

I'll Make the Moves - Scenes & Sirens
Beauty In the Breakdown (Acoustic) - The Scene Aesthetic
Thinking of You - Katy Perry
The Moneymaker - Rilo Kiley
Foundations - Kate Nash
Mr. Right - Mickey Avalon
So Rich, So Pretty - Mickey Avalon
Face Up - Lights

Hey, kids.

So here I am.

Back from the glory that is my fathers home.

It was fun; thanks for asking.

I ate way too much, though, and now I feel fat.

Awesome.

I did miss home, so it's nice to be here, too.

We were looking for my cat for a few minutes and my grandpa goes, "Why don't you look outside, the cat door was open for a little bit."

After I freaked out that the cat door was open, I looked outside, and within seconds, my cat runs at full speed inside.

I thought it was funny.

Ha.

I have a headache and I've had it all weekend.

It's definately not making me a happy camper.

And that kind of made me sad; saying happy camper.

-Sigh & a mental slap-

The best part about being at my dad's is actually watching good television.

Or watching television at all, really.

When I'm at home, there is always somebody hovering around downstairs that you just don't want to be with.

Not that enjoyable.

Onto our topic of the day: Jealousy.

What is jealousy?

jeal·ous·y–noun,plural-ous·ies for 4.
1.
jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.
2.
mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3.
vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.
4.
a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

And there you go.

I'm jealous way too often to improve my life, I'm sure.

It's just recently been a problem.

I want something that I can't have and so I get jealous of whoever can have it.

Anyways.

Did you know that the best motivation to make something better or to improve your emotional state is by pushing yourself?

I know, right? Astounding.

Self-Motivation is the best motivation.

The only thing wrong with this is that if you're completely depressed and in emotional turmoil, how are you supposed to work together enough happiness to even motivate yourself at all?

I'm having a really weird mental experience right now.

I'm angry, upset, and for some reason I feel like that journalist chick that always blogs late at night in her New York apartament... You know the one.

I haven't felt this bad in a while.

I just want to kick somebody in the face.

Let's move on to a less aggressive topic.

What does Alex Gray want to do when high school is over?

I want to go to college, get my degree in psychology, and try to make something out of it.

Try to be a teen psychologist.

Do you know how much every teenage kid needs one? It's crazy.

Anyways, while I'm in school I would love to get a little retail job or something so I can support myself for that time period.

That or have a roommate, which would be kickass and help with finances.

I really need somebody to help me pick myself up.

I don't think I can do this alone, it's pathetic.

I want to be able to do everything on my own and be independent with all of the things I do, but I just don't think I can keep myself going at this rate.

I have issues that need to be resolved within my own mind.

This is a depressing blog.

I think I'm going to stop before I spread my problems.

Love & Other Frightening Tales.

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love;
Listens but doesn't believe,
And leaves before she is left."
-Marilyn Monroe

Beautiful quote, for it is so true.
Boys are silly, but somewhat irresistible.
This picture is gorgeous, but I just can't pin down why.

Oh, Love.
You are quite the mystery to me.
I just don't understand you.
One minute, I am upset; the next? Perfectly content.
On the bright side, the contentment has lasted.. I would say a little over a week.

Love, I would appreciate it if you took it a little easy on me and maybe... just, maybe...
Throw me some blossoming blushes and kind, meaningful words?

Perhaps it'll last?
I would be ever so thankful, I promise!

Anyways;

Today was wondrous and smile-filled.
I wish everyday was wondrous and smile-filled, don't you?
No bad days? Yeah?
YEH. Very nice.

I'm going to my fathers house tomorrow morning.
I haven't seen him in... I would say... 3 or 4 months.
Is that bad? I'm kind of nervous.
Me and my dad are very similar; extraverted to say the least.
He hates to be alone, I hate to be alone... He hates blows to his ego, I hate blows to my ego...
The only difference is that I have an outer perspective of the world and reasoning and both of my parents have very tunnel-vision views.
Like I said previously; what they don't understand is automatically constituted as negative.
I look like my mom (practically twins if you compare her youth pictures to mine) & have the personality of my daddio.
Interesting.
The good part of seeing my dad is being able to hang out with some of my old friends.
I haven't seen any of them in 2 years, so that'll be cool.

I hope that someday I'll be completely happy with myself.

With the way my life has turned out.

But for now, it is only a dream.

Hmm.

Wouldn't it be great if we could just go to school and instantly the person that makes the best match for you comes up and says, "Hello, we're soul-mates."?

It would be so interesting to just see who goes to who.

Quite curious, really. What if one of those really pretty, popular girls got some completely lonely kid? Like one nobody ever really looked over?

That would be something to see.

Has anybody else ever (when they get really, extremely bored in the middle of class) imagined what would happen if that classroom became locked down and you couldn't get in or out for however long (talking weeks-months-days, disregarding hygiene and food issues)?

Like who would befriend who and so forth?

I thought I was the only one who thought of that, but I know a couple of others have.

Ha.

I somewhat dislike weekends, come to think of it.

I don't have a very avid, jumping social life, so they're just boring.

The only thing I appreciate about them is sleeping in and post-poning homework for 2-3 days.

Oh, I remember what I was going to say...

Don't you hate that pang you get in your stomach when something heart-wrenching comes to mind?

It just kind of ruins your day.

Then you get to thinking and thinking and the pang just gets worse and worse and pretty soon you're just like, "I hate my life".

Or is that just me?

I hope nobody else feels horrible, but at the same time, I don't like feeling like a loser if I'm the only one.

They should invent anti-pang medicine.

Auf Wiedersehen;

Side pony-tails are cute.

Peace.

Here We Go.

Everything Has Changed - William Fitzsimmons

It's Not True - William Fitzsimmons

Funeral Dress - William Fitzsimmons

Life in its grand wonders has decided that I'm going to start a blog.

I need a blog.

Blogs are good.

This morning I was thinking about religion.

What if government officials just decided to create religion?

And of course the people wouldn't reject the idea because it's so nice to think of a life after life.

Then crime would decrease somewhat due to the people's devotion to a deity and their somewhat skewed views on right and wrong.

I mean, it makes sense.

I don't understand the whole situation of Jesus, anyways, so there has to be a more rational explanation for those who aren't as willing to view life as multiple sections of revival and dedication to this creature whom you don't even see once in your lifetime.

I also don't get the Christian rejection for those things ''magical'' (for example; Harry Potter's wands and the like), for Jesus' resurrection can't be anything short of it.

On another note, I think it's strange how many people are trying to be different when it would be so much less complicated and simple if we were more the same.

I'm not talking gray blobs (only in my dreams; Alex GRAY?; anyways), but if we had a whole level of comprehension and understanding, there would be less hate, anger and rejection.

On my way home from school, me and my mom were talking about some guy she's known for years. She said she would never date him because he was too "co-dependent" & I just called it a light, more technical term for "clingy". In short, we got in a tiff about the difference; he gets depressed and lonely and can't even go out with his friends whom have significant others if he's single and she regarded it as a completely horrible, terrible thing. Sure, it's not healthy, but she went a little nuts with it.

My point: Some people are so negative and hateful towards things they don't understand.

She's an intraverted person whom has been alone, some 10 years, and doesn't realize that there are people that are just very... for lack of a better word, "troubled" when they are alone. They like to be around people and tend to need relationships to keep them uplifted, so when they are without, they get depressed when reminded that they are alone.

Like me, for example. I am very much this way. Not so much that it affects my ability to function, but it does make me a little upset because I need that constant social aspect of being with another. It doesn't mean "needy" or "clingy" but simply different in almost every sense of the word. I appreciate conversation and without it I am saddened.

Hence blogging. It's a chat with my concious mind about the things revolving in the sub-concious.

Anyways!

Off I go to listen to audiobooks while I dwindle to Slumberland.