Wilted.

Futureme.org
Send letters to the future.
Sick.
Me -> You Know Who.

August 23, 2010

Hey you :)

I know this is pretty weird, but I'm bored so endure it.

It's 8:30 on a lonely Wednesday night.

I guess when you get this letter, it'll be my first day of school.

I miss you terribly, but it's not anything new.

Most days are like this anymore, but I have to suck it up and move on like everybody else has to.

I'm not the only one going through a severe heartache.

My situation isn't that bad, really.

I mean, it's not like we had a lot of anything.

I hope you're doing well; hopefully I am by now, too.

Maybe you've found the cure to your loneliness.

I know you won't end up alone in the end, because if we all try, we'll all end up exactly where we want to be.

It just involves being who you want, where you want, doing what you want to do.
How could you not get what you wanted that way?

Btw, you're comment about no guy thinking I was hot yesterday was so not OK!

If you don't want to be alone, that is definately not the way to treat a girl.

Especially since I complimented you, saying that other girls thought you were hot and you were a nerd (which, if you remember, is my way of saying super cute).

Most people don't realize that you, deep down, are really not all that smooth. (I'm not being a bitch, so stop thinking that).

You don't take showers during the summer because you're so lazy and too busy playing video games.

I mean, really? Most girls can't find that attractive.

Well, except for me, but that's because I'm mentally retarded.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say.

That I love you with all of my heart and that I miss you?

Or that I wish things ended differently?

Of course, but I think I've made that clear enough as it is.

I hope this is the last hugely long letter that you get from me, and as it is, I'm just doing it to see if it really works.

Hopefully you haven't gotten one since yesterday (Tuesday, 5/25/10).

I always feel like I'm bothering you with them, but it really is my best way of closure.

I feel secure when you know how I feel and where I stand.

When I tell you not to talk to me so I can finally move on, you usually do stop.

For about two weeks, then you start back up again.

That confuses me.

I don't understand whether or not you want to talk to me or you're just bored.

And if you want to talk to me, does that mean you miss me like I miss you?

I doubt it, but the hope is unbelieveable.

My stomach still fills with knots whenever you talk to me.

I feel like throwing up when I imagine you with somebody else.

My head whirls when you ignore me, or when you don't respond.

I feel like a lost little girl, and I can't help but say that I am.

The only reason you gave me for splitting was the distance and that I was freakishly clingly (by the way, I don't mean to be, I just talk a lot and I feel like I really care about you).

-> The distance never bothered me so much, seeing as anything could happen, and I was in a lot of love, so I felt like it would last forever and things would mend themselves. It wasn't that far anyways, so I got over it.

-> Again, the clingy I let go because I'm not crazy, I'm just... scared. Really scared.

"I always feel like I have to explain my feelings and that I miss you. I don't. You know them and have responded and what's needed to be said has been. I still feel like things are unfinished, even though they totally are. I never lose hope and that's what fucking sucks. I feel like my love is real, but it's not. I based everything we had on what I thought happened and not what really did, so I think there's always a sweeter opinion you have of me that you're not telling me, which isn't true. This is why I feel lonely and can't stop talking to you. I give you all of the control because I want a response that I'll never get. I'm sorry... I'm typical and enflate your, already way too big, ego." 11:39 pm, 5/25/10

"I'm scared to let go because I feel like I'll never find anyone more important to me. I'm so scared of being lonely like this forever. 60% of you I love and 40% of you I hate, but can stand. I don't like perfect and that's why you are to me." 12:17 am, 5/26/10

They pretty much sum things up.

I don't know what to do with you anymore.

I don't feel like we can be friends because I'm constantly reminded of what we had and I'm constantly reminded that I want it back.

You don't seem to stop talking to me for more than a span of 2 weeks.

Then again, when you do it's just a "Hey you" or something of that nature.

You usually don't carry on a conversation for much longer.

Anyways, maybe when you get this you'll hit me up.

Love you always,

Alex.

P.S. I hope school is well for you; I can't believe you graduated. You're such an old man.

P.P.S. & I forgot to say that Paul McGill looks a lot like you.

Well, the only time he really does is in the movie 'Fame'.

Mourning.

Starstruck - Lady GaGa

Let Me Love You Down - INOJ

Who Am I To Say - Hope

Today! Today is it!
My birthday was nice.

Not overly great, not overly bad.

It was OK.

I had Daiquiri Ice ice cream.
(Two 'ice' 's on purpose).
Best flavor ever invented.

Baskin Robbins.

I got $70 bucks.

Exciting, eeh?

I was supposed to go to Tiffany (the one in San Francisco), but, complications.

We should be going tomorrow, if plans go as plans go.

Thanks to all of you who have said 'Happy Birthday'!

It really meant a lot to me.

Onto normal life;

I'm lonely.

Really.

My biggest, scariest, most overwhelming fear is to be alone.

So when I am alone, I feel like I'll be this way forever.

I know I (90% here) won't be alone forever.

Most people don't end up that way unless there's a good reason.

I feel like I talk about loneliness in every blog I ever write.
Maybe you get how important it is to me, I guess.

For those of you who would immediately say, "I'm here for you." "You'll never be alone, just talk to me," etc, etc, thank you.

I appreciate it.

But I think I'm not the only one that can be spoken for when I say that I need more than just friends.
A boyfriend (in my case) is a lot different than a friend.

It's a bit more and, to be honest, I trust them more.

I feel more comfortable with them.

I really miss that connection.

The hugs and kisses.

I need to learn to be independent and a strong, good woman.

But I don't think I can.

I'm just not the type.

I love a companion.

Anyways.

I really like clothes.

Clothes are good.

I want to go shopping, but I always like to go with $200+, so it's basically an 'every-two-months' thing.

I don't really know what to say.

I have no ranting, no extreme dislikes.

People are people and you can't change them;

Whether you want peace or an eco-friendly environment.

Things are always just going to get progressively worse.

So you just need to stick to yourself.

Love & miss you.

Brownies.

"Your life is created in your own image, so if you're down, imagine yourself happy. See what happens." - Alex Gray

One week exactly until my birthday!

Here we are in a new day, a new world.

Love blossoms and deteriorates and drama has risen again.

I guess that's life for you, though.

I don't really know what to say today.

I want to make brownies.

I think I'm going to go do that.

30 minutes later...

I always hate how long it takes to mix and pour, etc.

They were brownie cookies, though, so they take twice as long.

Now I wait another 30 minutes or so.

Hmm...

I like taking pictures.

Even though I'm very unphotogenic.

Most of the random pictures that people take of me aren't flattering at all, but that's OK.

I think that when people fret over unflattering pictures, it's stupid.

Why? Because whoever sees those pictures knows what you look like most of the time anyways.

So it doesn't really matter.

Usually I feel like I bother people when I talk because I talk a lot.

I like to talk.

I like to tell people my opinion and things.

I like it when people find me enjoyable, but I guess most people feel the same.

I think I'm going to end my post right here.

------------------------------------------------

Forgotten.

"I wanna be forgotten

And I don't wanna be reminded

You said, 'Please don't make this harder,'

No, I won't yet

I wanna be beside her

She wanna be admired

You said, 'Please don't make this harder,'

No, I won't yet"

What Ever Happened - The Strokes

I'm impatient, distorted and flustered.

I want love and affection now, because I hate feeling alone.

I'm frightened and lonely, without a companion to hold my hand.

Without somebody to spend my time with.

A friend sometimes can't fill the shoes that a love can.

The way they look in your eyes with warmth and compassion.

With a growing hunger just for the beauty your voice feeds their soul, but at the same time have the ability to look and stare at each other without the need to say a word.

An embrace that speaks pages all on it's own.

The sense of adventure and wonder that you experience while just being together.

The playful teasing and harmless name calling that frets you for a second, but ends in an Eskimo kiss.

Laughs that seem endless and are so genuine that you surprise yourself.

Being comfortable enough to share your deepest darkest secrets, knowing that the other person might just not know exactly what to say.

Have arguments that only prove that you're human and that the other person isn't going to be identical to you.

I want somebody that can handle the fact that I can't be mysterious.

I put my emotions on the table and explain exactly how I feel because I want you to know where I stand.

I want somebody that realizes that I'm only human and I make mistakes, whether knowledge or I tripped and spilled something.

I want somebody that can accept that I'm a huge nerd and I will probably enjoy video games for a very long time.

I want somebody that appreciates my taste in music and can disagree in a non-violent way.

I want somebody that can take me teasing at them, easily retorting with something of their own.

I want somebody who isn't boring. Who has a sense of adventure and passion for having fun.

I want somebody that is OK with me talking a lot. I apologize ahead of time. I can't help it.

I want somebody who knows what they want in life; even if it's just a simple thing.

I want somebody who's a cat person. I dislike dogs.

I want somebody who won't judge the fact that I'm a little bit vein. We all are.

I want life to happen quicker than it is.

I want a lot of things; all important in their own ways.

I don't want to be forgotten.

I want to be cared again.

I want to be reminded that I'm important.

"Someday, someday.

Sometime, sometime.

Always, always.

Sometime, sometime."

Someday - The Strokes

Love & miss you.

Strength.

I thoroughly enjoy this photograph.

I feel like a huge loser when it comes to where we've gone after we seperated.

I feel like I'm not having as much fun as you are (which isn't true) because you're involved in parties, drugs, alcohol, etc.

Maybe I'm just jealous, but deep down, I know I'm not.

I'd rather take hikes, go down to the beach, go to a big park with a grassy field I can play football in, go to an amusement park, take a walk, go to the city, go to an arcade, go to the movies, create vlogs to show the world, plan surprise parties, cuddle, have intimate & deep conversations about life & go shopping with my friends/boyfriend.

Because that sounds fun to me.

Today is truly the second day (I've been trying) that I've felt empowered and independent.

I don't need to rely on you.

I don't need to miss you.

I don't need to text you over and over again telling you how I feel because I realize that you have better things to do.

& Now so do I.

I feel good, happy and relaxed.

You aren't a burden, you're just a lesson that I needed to learn.

I'm moving on.

Thanks, Guys.

You've helped me over hills that seemed endless.

When It Shines.

"You never know what you have until it's gone. When it's back, it's changed. Confusion; then you begin to wonder if you truly missed what you had, or what you thought you had." -Alex Gray

Birthday countdown: 17 whole days. (2 and a half weeks).

I think it's funny how you think you begin to know a person, but when they get quiet and start speaking honestly from their hearts, your opinion changes. We're all smart and we all have opinions on bold topics. When you think somebody is a bit of an airhead, it's probably either a show, or they're guarding themselves for some reason or another.

I wish people were more straightforward about how they feel.
Right now.

Sorry for the short.